From the Man Himself
Dear friends, family and loved ones all,
A good many of you over the months have spoken about my faith, courage, strength and such like admirable qualities. My response has been jocular. I feel the need now to provide a more serious context for your support of and faith in me. Each morning the shock from dreamtime to realtime is so great that I have to search for a reason to carry on/to live. In dreamtime, I am the old Graham: running, jumping, climbing on chairs to dust my books at the ceiling, typing, writing, even doing naughty things now and again. Realtime begins with an enema and carries on through a number of activities which impress indelibly again how helpless I am. What is more is that I feel useless. Thus there is the need to discover, and hang on to for dear life, a reason/rationale/rationalization to carry on through yet another day.
When I am confined to bed rest, as I am yet again, these feelings are only increased, because I don’t have the break in the day of therapies and activities that provide at least the illusion of being somewhat/somehow capable. The reasons for life vary, but most often it is the thought of loved ones who give me the strength to hang in there. In truth, whatever faith, strength, courage, etc. I have largely comes from you. My Christian faith also plays a role in this morning struggle, but often I am like someone who said to Jesus, “Lord, I believe; help me in my unbelief.” I suppose, in my usual perverse way of looking at the world, this is fair warning to my church family: however much you have been supporting me now, boy howdy will I be throwing myself (so to speak) on your mercy when I finally get back home.
I managed to stay up for over a week after the second (minor) skin problem. I’ve now been bedridden for 3 days and, while the condition has improved, no one is saying/no one knows how many more days I’ll be confined to bed. Different theories have been offered for why I have had this or that skin problem (all have been in the natal cleft). The latest is that I am sweating a lot and apparently sweat not only impedes healing/strengthening of the skin, but also because of its acidic content can cause skin problems. Mr. Jamil’s solution is to inject me in 20 or so places around the areas that have been troublesome with botulin toxin (botox!). One naturally hopes that this will solve the problem, but if nothing else I will be one of the few people with a wrinkle free ass – at least for three months, which is how long the treatment is effective according to my consultant. He says he’s done this a number of times and it has always worked. No surprise that I am asking for your prayers, mantras, chanting, burning incense to your personal deities, and whatever other mystical rites you feel will ensure my not being the exception that proves the rule. Probably wise to include in your prayers etc. the supplication that I not be bedridden for 3 months to see if it works!
The weather the past few days has actually been hot – even in the 90s – which has the locals much distressed, but for me, because I have such a poor sense of temperature, just feeling comfortable. I had hoped that Airasa, Ian, Linda and I would be able to take a day trip to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park once I had built up enough time. Wouldn’t you know, just as I reached that point, the healing area took a turn for the worse. Maybe I’ll get lucky and things will dramatically improve in the next couple weeks so that I not only can get out of bed SOON, but be able to have that day trip. Jamil did say, after all, that this treatment would strengthen my skin so that it could take anything, which I guess also means I’ll be a real hard ass!
Airasa and Ian, on a recent visit, wheeled me not only outside, but on to some park-like areas around the hospital. We parked under a big tree and talked mostly about religion, curiously enough. No great insights, but each of us keeping the faith in our own distinctive ways.
As you know, Linda has been hurting more than usual with a broken toe. I was terribly touched by her keeping her promise last Saturday to visit me despite her pains being increased by continuing to move small items to her new place. Being the sensible woman she is, she hired help to move the big things. Of course, if she was completely sensible she wouldn’t have visited me on Saturday but would have called as she considered doing instead, so I am grateful and humbled by her ranking a promise over sensibleness. [Editor’s note: *blush*]
I have heard from various sources, Linda not being the least of them, that there have been quite a rash of earthquakes off the coast of northern California and even a 4.9 in the greater Los Angeles area. I have not heard reports of damage, destruction and death, but I only get the news here in quite haphazard fashion. Fortunately, California’s faults are slip-strike rather than subduction ones, so there is little worry of tsunamis, Linda’s been checking earthquake sites while I have paused for thought and apparently there were some people injured in a couple of places and they have been felt over large areas. Another reflection of my perverse world view is that I like earthquakes – well at least the smaller ones that don’t wreak havoc.
Other than crime, the major news here revolves around the European Union and the G8/Live8 summit. There was a report in last Saturday’s Guardian about a major US offensive in Iraq along the Syrian border. I couldn’t read much of it because I had to get back in bed. Military Exercise in preparation for Syria? I also hear that there’s a move afoot to repeal the 22nd Amendment. The Republicans really do want a one-party police state. Thomas Jefferson once said that democracy needed a revolution every ten years or so. Maybe we should also be praying that a lot of those gun nuts are liberal leftist blue state folks!
Pardon this impersonal personal approach, but I have some specific messages to deliver and I’m out of post cards.
Ernie – a while ago you said you would pay the post office rent for $34. That sounds like 6 months. When it comes up for renewal, please renew it for a year. Of course I might be back before that. Actually, I hope I am back by then.
Lorraine – thank you for the imaginative card and long newsy note. Thank you also for the CDs. Have stories to tell, but will wait til I have postcards.
Moving crew – pardon my paranoia, but please don’t pack up anything that I haven’t specifically requested. Even though if all the boxes were properly labelled, I could send them anywhere I wanted specific boxes to go, I’m still trying to get my head around dismantling what I spent my life putting together, so I need to do this in pieces. I promise not to take too long. I need to have a serious talk/email with Steve to help in getting my head in order on this process which frankly feels destructive.
You anthropologists – my months on Ward One have sparked a number of ideas for an anthropological monograph. I’ll share them later, but on occasion the thought of writing this study is a reason to do my best to live my best for another day.
Louise – I’ve listened to the first tape of the audio book you sent me. I admit I was a bit distracted but I feel I have understood some major points. I’ll try to concentrate better with the second tape. It’s curious though, to listen to his ruminations as a quadriplegic/tetraplegic (I don’t know if this is an American/English difference in vocabulary or if there is some actual diagnostic difference). Linda’s thanked you for the package; I thank you some more. Any Barking Lizard report?
Rick – have sent a post card to Mom. Told her I told you that I hope she would ask and that you would accept. I hope my Hendrix instructions weren’t too garbled.
Gale – love the baseball tape. Channel 5 here starts broadcasting Wednesday night baseball regularly so you don’t need to record Wednesday or Sunday night games. Can’t remember if you get Turner Broadcasting Network (now owned by somebody else as I recall) but hopefully they still broadcast all the Braves games.
Mom – remember I’m holding you to your promise.
Cliolanders – we must have a big bash when I get back!!
As soon as I get off the phone with Linda, I know I will think of other impersonal personal notes I should have sent. So while you all are praying, etc., pray for a deluge of post cards.
Peace, joy, faith, love – the works!
JGM
A good many of you over the months have spoken about my faith, courage, strength and such like admirable qualities. My response has been jocular. I feel the need now to provide a more serious context for your support of and faith in me. Each morning the shock from dreamtime to realtime is so great that I have to search for a reason to carry on/to live. In dreamtime, I am the old Graham: running, jumping, climbing on chairs to dust my books at the ceiling, typing, writing, even doing naughty things now and again. Realtime begins with an enema and carries on through a number of activities which impress indelibly again how helpless I am. What is more is that I feel useless. Thus there is the need to discover, and hang on to for dear life, a reason/rationale/rationalization to carry on through yet another day.
When I am confined to bed rest, as I am yet again, these feelings are only increased, because I don’t have the break in the day of therapies and activities that provide at least the illusion of being somewhat/somehow capable. The reasons for life vary, but most often it is the thought of loved ones who give me the strength to hang in there. In truth, whatever faith, strength, courage, etc. I have largely comes from you. My Christian faith also plays a role in this morning struggle, but often I am like someone who said to Jesus, “Lord, I believe; help me in my unbelief.” I suppose, in my usual perverse way of looking at the world, this is fair warning to my church family: however much you have been supporting me now, boy howdy will I be throwing myself (so to speak) on your mercy when I finally get back home.
I managed to stay up for over a week after the second (minor) skin problem. I’ve now been bedridden for 3 days and, while the condition has improved, no one is saying/no one knows how many more days I’ll be confined to bed. Different theories have been offered for why I have had this or that skin problem (all have been in the natal cleft). The latest is that I am sweating a lot and apparently sweat not only impedes healing/strengthening of the skin, but also because of its acidic content can cause skin problems. Mr. Jamil’s solution is to inject me in 20 or so places around the areas that have been troublesome with botulin toxin (botox!). One naturally hopes that this will solve the problem, but if nothing else I will be one of the few people with a wrinkle free ass – at least for three months, which is how long the treatment is effective according to my consultant. He says he’s done this a number of times and it has always worked. No surprise that I am asking for your prayers, mantras, chanting, burning incense to your personal deities, and whatever other mystical rites you feel will ensure my not being the exception that proves the rule. Probably wise to include in your prayers etc. the supplication that I not be bedridden for 3 months to see if it works!
The weather the past few days has actually been hot – even in the 90s – which has the locals much distressed, but for me, because I have such a poor sense of temperature, just feeling comfortable. I had hoped that Airasa, Ian, Linda and I would be able to take a day trip to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park once I had built up enough time. Wouldn’t you know, just as I reached that point, the healing area took a turn for the worse. Maybe I’ll get lucky and things will dramatically improve in the next couple weeks so that I not only can get out of bed SOON, but be able to have that day trip. Jamil did say, after all, that this treatment would strengthen my skin so that it could take anything, which I guess also means I’ll be a real hard ass!
Airasa and Ian, on a recent visit, wheeled me not only outside, but on to some park-like areas around the hospital. We parked under a big tree and talked mostly about religion, curiously enough. No great insights, but each of us keeping the faith in our own distinctive ways.
As you know, Linda has been hurting more than usual with a broken toe. I was terribly touched by her keeping her promise last Saturday to visit me despite her pains being increased by continuing to move small items to her new place. Being the sensible woman she is, she hired help to move the big things. Of course, if she was completely sensible she wouldn’t have visited me on Saturday but would have called as she considered doing instead, so I am grateful and humbled by her ranking a promise over sensibleness. [Editor’s note: *blush*]
I have heard from various sources, Linda not being the least of them, that there have been quite a rash of earthquakes off the coast of northern California and even a 4.9 in the greater Los Angeles area. I have not heard reports of damage, destruction and death, but I only get the news here in quite haphazard fashion. Fortunately, California’s faults are slip-strike rather than subduction ones, so there is little worry of tsunamis, Linda’s been checking earthquake sites while I have paused for thought and apparently there were some people injured in a couple of places and they have been felt over large areas. Another reflection of my perverse world view is that I like earthquakes – well at least the smaller ones that don’t wreak havoc.
Other than crime, the major news here revolves around the European Union and the G8/Live8 summit. There was a report in last Saturday’s Guardian about a major US offensive in Iraq along the Syrian border. I couldn’t read much of it because I had to get back in bed. Military Exercise in preparation for Syria? I also hear that there’s a move afoot to repeal the 22nd Amendment. The Republicans really do want a one-party police state. Thomas Jefferson once said that democracy needed a revolution every ten years or so. Maybe we should also be praying that a lot of those gun nuts are liberal leftist blue state folks!
Pardon this impersonal personal approach, but I have some specific messages to deliver and I’m out of post cards.
Ernie – a while ago you said you would pay the post office rent for $34. That sounds like 6 months. When it comes up for renewal, please renew it for a year. Of course I might be back before that. Actually, I hope I am back by then.
Lorraine – thank you for the imaginative card and long newsy note. Thank you also for the CDs. Have stories to tell, but will wait til I have postcards.
Moving crew – pardon my paranoia, but please don’t pack up anything that I haven’t specifically requested. Even though if all the boxes were properly labelled, I could send them anywhere I wanted specific boxes to go, I’m still trying to get my head around dismantling what I spent my life putting together, so I need to do this in pieces. I promise not to take too long. I need to have a serious talk/email with Steve to help in getting my head in order on this process which frankly feels destructive.
You anthropologists – my months on Ward One have sparked a number of ideas for an anthropological monograph. I’ll share them later, but on occasion the thought of writing this study is a reason to do my best to live my best for another day.
Louise – I’ve listened to the first tape of the audio book you sent me. I admit I was a bit distracted but I feel I have understood some major points. I’ll try to concentrate better with the second tape. It’s curious though, to listen to his ruminations as a quadriplegic/tetraplegic (I don’t know if this is an American/English difference in vocabulary or if there is some actual diagnostic difference). Linda’s thanked you for the package; I thank you some more. Any Barking Lizard report?
Rick – have sent a post card to Mom. Told her I told you that I hope she would ask and that you would accept. I hope my Hendrix instructions weren’t too garbled.
Gale – love the baseball tape. Channel 5 here starts broadcasting Wednesday night baseball regularly so you don’t need to record Wednesday or Sunday night games. Can’t remember if you get Turner Broadcasting Network (now owned by somebody else as I recall) but hopefully they still broadcast all the Braves games.
Mom – remember I’m holding you to your promise.
Cliolanders – we must have a big bash when I get back!!
As soon as I get off the phone with Linda, I know I will think of other impersonal personal notes I should have sent. So while you all are praying, etc., pray for a deluge of post cards.
Peace, joy, faith, love – the works!
JGM
posted by Cosmic Sunshine at 9:25 PM
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